By Susan Cain, writer of <Quiet>
The happiness of short social bursts — followed by blissful solitude
Zelenski points out a famous study(well, famous in psychology circles) showing that everyone is happier after socializing, introverts included. Which raises the question: why do introverts like to stay home? The jury is still out, but here’s a theory. Studies also show that there’s no correlation between extroversion and caring/agreeableness/need for attachment. Introverts want company just as much as extroverts do, but they prefer it in either short doses (becoz strong dosage would kill. short doses make me feel that I am still adequate to socialize when needed, regardless how energy draining this is.) or with people they know well (the only few, you might not know who you are haha) . Yet most socializing doesn’t fall into these categories, so over the course of a lifetime they learn to avoid it, as a kind of default mode. (only if it is allowed..a lifetime, sigh. Avoiding makes me feel guilty enough already. And then people will start to judge.) Also, because introverts enjoy lower-stimulation environments than extroverts do, they learn to cultivate the pleasures of solitude, and of deep friendships with a select few — and they weigh these pleasures against any social invitation that comes their way. (Exactly exactly exactly…!!!)
The happiness of flow
But for me, when I get right back to work, this is not a turning-away from happiness but an embracing of it. People who love their work often reach a “flow state,” an optimal condition in which you feel totally engaged in an activity. When you’re in flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy. Hours pass without your noticing. (That’s why I like writing, blogging, reading, photoshop.)
But people in flow don’t necessarily look exuberant, or even content. They might frown, or furrow their brows in concentration. Here, in fact, is Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the psychologist who invented the very concept of flow. His description of it is vivid enough (and his books are so well written) that I wager he’s in that state a lot. But he sure doesn’t strike me as exuberant — at least not outwardly.
The happiness of gratitude
I often feel grateful for what I have, especially my family and my work. Every time I walk outside I notice how beautiful it is (one of most important mentalities that keep me going. It’s not really a kind of ‘happiness’, more like an encouragement to save me out of melancholy.) – the weather, the trees, the hillside — and comment on it (my kids have started to do this too, which makes me happy). But again, none of this is joy or exultation; it’s not the sort of happiness that brings a spontaneous smile to the face. It’s much more internal and quiet than that.
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being socially awkward is in my genes.
Hate losing face is also in my genes.
Living in this paradox is a daily torture. As delicate as glass.
A triangle trying to fit in a round container. Fundamentally unfit.
